2/10/25

Hi there,

I hope this finds you and your crew doing well! It's been a bit since I shared along an update, so sharing along the latest.

I was able, with that additional week of rest, to get chemo #5 on 1/27. Our house got hit with the same virus/flu/Covid whatever that seems to be making the rounds, and I think my body just needed more time to heal up. As my oncologist pointed out...we are not just treating cancer, we are treating my body.

Looking back on the last two weeks, Chemo #5 felt more like what I was expecting - a week of some pretty heavy fatigue and then a week of feeling better. The end of last week was the best I had felt in a while, which is a much better way to feel going into Chemo #6 today!

All my counts were looking good and stable today, which matched up to how I felt. So I got loaded up with the usual cocktail today (though the buzz is pretty lame).

Looking ahead, I'm scheduled next Thursday 2/20 for my first CT since starting chemo, and the goal has been to shrink the liver tumors. At the moment, I have little to no anxiety about that scan, though I'm sure some could get stirred up the day of. I feel good about what we have done and what I'm doing each day - that's what I can influence.

I had a great conversation not too long ago with a friend of a friend I was introduced to - her name is Julie. Julie has been through so, so much with her colon cancer AND she brought nothing but good wisdom and light to a really helpful chat. I appreciated how she didn't overdial on any one CT or PET scan, which can be hard if you have ever had some bad ones.

It was a great reminder of what presence looks like in action. I'm sure she has her moments too. But we each have this moment right now, and I'm working on BEING IN IT. I'm continuing with daily meditation and finding so much value in that. I was a meditator before, but all of this has really renewed my practice in ways that have mattered quite a bit for me.

I think it was my pastor that I grew up with, Don Underwood, that pointed to the importance of living each day with a minimum amount of fear and a maximum amount of love. Or at least that's how I remember it! I think I might would add curiosity (rather than judgment) as a really useful habit that steers me toward love...curiosity about what is coming up for me, what I see around me, what I see from others, etc. I'm trying that every day, and I'm fairly certain it's called a practice because you never arrive at perfection! I do know that I want to look back at the end of a long life and see that I got better at choosing presence, curiosity, and love.

Since I've already gone deep into my head, one other reflection! Cancer treatment can have you seeing/gathering all sorts of data about your health. On one hand, I'm a huge fan of data and using it to make better decisions. And, taken too far, it's a pretty slippery slope to becoming disembodied in some way in this process.

It's easy to get zeroed in on a neutrophil count or some random fever spike and forget to step back and also look at health/wellness with a broader view...to pay attention to my self, to listen better to my body and what it needs. (Not an either/or...still will look at the data!) For some reason, that has been an important shift for me lately. I'm still figuring out why, but working with a great therapist has been really helpful in reconnecting with the somatic side of things (shocker...I like to think and overthink it).

OK...backing out of the rabbit hole! Thanks for indulging the reflections...sitting down to write about it is helpful. (and maybe it's not the best idea to write these with full on chemo brain?)

Speaking of love, I'm sending all the love your way. I continued to be overwhelmed, in the most wonderful way, with gratitude for the communities that have shaped and continue to shape my life.

With much love and gratitude,Matt

Note on pic - speaking of living in the moment, that's our dog Ash. He's the best.