Spinning Plates

In the past few weeks, I’ve been lucky to be in some great conversations, all with long-time friends. “Old friends” might be an apt descriptor - we’ve known each other a long time and we ain’t getting any younger. 

These are all folks with whom my path overlapped for a significant period of time in our past. And we’ve continued to stay in touch regularly, even if our paths have gone in some different directions. But with that shared history, conversation is easy to jump right back into. 

And thankfully, it’s not a bunch of small talk. In a chat with one of those friends, I realized I’ve either run out of stamina for much small talk and/or I’m just owning that I suck at it. So I’m grateful that we’ve been able to find our way into some deeper conversations. 

With us either at or past the midpoint of our lives, these deeper conversations just feel all the more necessary. There is a different kind of weight behind the experiences we are having. Some of us have lost a parent or two. Or we might be helping as they age or get sick. We might be dealing with our own health stuff. A career may take a left turn or hit a dead end. Parenting is still a roller coaster ride. Relationships are complex and changing. We are changing. 

By age ~50, there’s been plenty of time to build out various aspects of our lives. I think about the performer trying to keep the multiple spinning plates all going and not crashing to the ground. Just as you get one spinning and stable, another is starting to wobble, in need of your attention. Get enough plates spinning in your life, and eventually it becomes untenable. Some crash to pieces. And it’s too easy to just fall into the habitual pattern of chasing all the wobbling plates, never fully inhabiting any space you are in…always in chase mode. And when life punches you in the mouth while you are in chase mode? Good luck. 

The humbling part for me is that I can look back and realize the folly of getting too many plates spinning. I chose to add most of them. 

I both love and am constantly provoked by the wisdom in the Buddhist tradition, that the source of our suffering is inside us. Thankfully there’s also good wisdom on how to undo that. And I think that’s what the second half of life might be all about - making some different, more mindful choices. 

From these conversations with friends, there’s some comfort in knowing I’m not the only one noticing all this. And we seem to recognize, with increasing clarity, that there are some important plates to keep spinning and stable, and there are plenty of plates that just distract us from those priorities. Losing someone you love, as an example, can make the priorities all the more clear in an instant. 

The Yvon Chouinard quote landed on me as I was thinking about all this - “The hardest thing in the world is to simplify your life. It's so easy to make it complex." 

So which plates do I focus on, and which plates do I set down? 

Recently we gathered with some close friends at our dinner table and were talking about all this. While I appreciate and don’t take for granted our house, there was this recognition that what mattered most in that moment, and it’s not even close, were the relationships and connection to the people. 

I think that’s an important recognition. The focus needs to be on the people, the love and connection. If the chairs weren’t the exact right complement to the table, it wouldn’t matter much. If the food wasn’t Top Chef worthy, it wouldn’t matter much. If my clothes weren’t the latest in fashion, it wouldn’t matter much. If I was too distracted by thoughts of work to actually connect with the people, that would matter. If I didn’t love on those people, and they didn’t love on me, that would matter. A lot. 

That’s been a gift of this cancer experience and this stage of life more generally - I’m getting clearer on which plates I choose to keep spinning well and which ones I choose to set down. When I can get centered in love, community and connection, the choices almost make themselves. 

Love,

Matt

One more quote for the road…from none other than Jim Carrey, who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.”